You’ve likely already received a message from every corporation you ever willingly, or unwillingly, gave your email address to. You’ve probably read numerous news articles, blogs, social media postings, and reddit threads about it. However, if for some insane reason you come to this site for information (why?!?) let me be the first to tell you: it’s April. Oh yes and also there’s a global pandemic. Now we’re all going to be isolated and weird.
Now, I’ve been isolated and weird since around the time I hit puberty, which means social distancing isn’t causing me that many issues. It IS affecting my ability to go to the grocery store and find foods that aren’t Hurricane Chow. So, we might need to get creative over the coming months and start focusing on some Imagination Recipes. Yay! Imagination Recipes!
So far I’ve managed to go through all the vaguely expired food in my pantry and fridge and make various types of “food”. But to say that some of these creations have been edible is probably being a little too generous.
Quick! What can you make with:
- Almost expired applesauce
- Expired almond flour
- Expired shredded coconut
- Old frozen bananas
- Chocolate that is getting that weird white stuff on it
- Carrots that are starting to feel slimy
- Fresh cake frosting (…wait, no, that’s expired too)
- Expired cocoa
The answer is: gluten free banana bread, vegan brownies, and carrot cake with coconut thrown in (topped with frosting). All these items were successfully baked and eaten AND my digestive system is still working. You see, you too can make weird foods while you’re isolated and it will probably not be a total disaster. Now that we’re in this for the long haul I’m going to have to start expanding my horizons a little, since the local grocery store doesn’t stock things like flour and toilet paper. Both of those are very necessary for a lot of things I make, for very different reasons.
So while this whole situation sorts itself out, I might be cooking and baking less and ranting more. You’ll like my ranting though, it’s coherent enough to be amusing without veering into any type of 5G Tower narratives.
I actually managed to fight back my growing insanity until about mid-June. Now, my storage closet is a portal to Narnia and Yog-Sothoth is squatting in my refrigerator. ‘Can’t win, don’t try’, right? I called the company, but that just bought me a whole host of other problems. On the other hand, it’s funny how fast you get used to it. Not in a “ha-ha”-sense, but whatever is these days.
But on the plus side, that Manticore living under your bed has been pretty chill about the whole situation. You’ve got to look on the positive side with these things, you know?
Yes, they are a clever bunch …
I once ate a chocolate bar that had been expired for an entire year. It was covered in that white stuff. I ate it anyway and THEN googled “white stuff expired chocolate” and found out it was sugar rising to the top or maybe cocoa butter or something and whatever, as my mom says, As long as you don’t die, it’s okay to eat.
Exactly! Either you will die from the expired food you ate and you won’t have to worry about it (being dead and all) OR you will be fine and proud to have saved money by eating expired food. It’s a win-win.